i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
