just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
