i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
