If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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