I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize