we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
