Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
