I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
