We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
