Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
