Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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