It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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