did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
