she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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