Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
