I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
