P.S. I can't hear my feet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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