"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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