Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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