The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
