Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
