Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
