You smell like stripper and shame
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
