I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
