I think I won the penis lottery.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
