walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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