and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
