I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
