Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
