I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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