I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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