if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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