I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
