Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
