I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
