Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
