My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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