if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
