Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
