Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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