You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
