put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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