Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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