dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
