So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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