Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
