@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
