I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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