god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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