you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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