he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize