I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
