why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
