ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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