Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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