Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
