Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
