I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
