Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
