The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize