My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
