i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize