I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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