I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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