the condom got lost in my hair
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
