Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
my poor anus
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
